Gorilla Suit

Now I’m a nice guy, and go out of my way to be as polite and cordial as possible.

Conversely, and in true Gemini fashion, if I feel slighted by someone I react with equal and opposite energy if someone steps on mine toes.

Case in point- the parking situation.

Yesterday I’m driving down a 2-way street and a parking spot opens up to the left of me, on the other side of the street (which will require a U-turn and some parallel trickery.)

I engage my blinker indicating my move and lower my window to point to the spot, indicating my intentions to other drivers. A few cars pass and continue their search for a spot.

Then comes Mr. Grey BMW. He whips around another car on his side of the street who was waiting for another spot and despite my hand gesture and signal and prolonged honk (I layed the horn on for the entire time it took him to parallel, turn off his car, then exit the vehicle.) slides into my spot, effectively stealing the spot I was clearly waiting for.

UH-OH.

I’m sure to take a deep breath and put my cordial foot first.

“Excuse me sir, I think it was rather clear I was waiting for that spot, and would appreciate it if you would move.”

“Hey man, tough break, I’m not gonna move he replies.”

Exit: Cordial

Enter: Gorilla Suit

I then respond: “Ok. I want you to think about this- think about the things you’re gonna buy today. Think about all the little enjoyable purchases in your bags- now add about $1500.00 to whatever you spend today because if you take this spot, and leave your car I am promising you I will smash your f*****g windows out with my tire iron. And I’m a man of my word. I don’t have plates on my car and I’ll be long gone before the cops get here. That’s an expensive Banana Republic V-Neck don’t you think?”

“Well I’ll just stand here then.”

At this point I’m still in my car. And I get it- Asian males (aside from Bruce Lee) probably don’t get a lot of points on the intimidation scale. I also had my ‘nerdy’ eyeglasses on so I’m sure that didn’t help at all. At this point all this dude has seen of me is from the top of my shoulder up.

Let’s get acquainted with Mr. Grey BMW. White male. 140 pounds (maybe.) 5 feet 6 inches tall. Perhaps in his mid 30s. Balding. Rather pale and sickly looking. Yuppie type. Probably has never been in a fight in his life.

You see I’ve sized him up twice at this point. As far as my stature goes, the concealment of the Honda Fit has afforded him no such luxury.

“All right sir, I see that we’re going to have to do this the old fashioned way. I’m going to kick your f******g ass right here in the street in front of all these people and I’m going to physically move you myself.”

And with vigor I exit my car, remove my eyeglasses and my jacket with purpose, throwing them into my car.

As I make my way over to him, suddenly his countenance changes. I think he realizes that there will be consequences for his trespasses. If he were a dog his ears would have dropped and you would have seen his tail occupy the space between his legs.

“All right man if you’re going to be a baby about it, I’ll move” he wisely states. I think he sees that he’s grossly overmatched, outgunned, outweighed and outwitted.

“Yo man, I’m just saying to do the right thing- because if you don’t I’ll be doing the wrong thing to you and your car.”

He then gets in his car and drives off. The small crowd that has formed was damn near applause.

I then park my car and begin my shopping trip.

I enter Victoria’s Secret to retrieve a gift for my love when I’m tapped on the shoulder.

Security?

Mr. Grey BMW with some buddies?

Nope.

An admirer.

An older black dude who I’ve never seen before in my life stands before me and says: “Yo man, I usually don’t ever wanna step foot in this store without my girl, but I had to tell you that what you did to that idiot outside was TIGHT, what an A**hole!”

“I just wanna make sure people do the right thing,” I quipped back.

Bob Paris wrote a book called Gorilla Suit. It’s basically a symbol of how a bodybuilder has this shell that is perceived (usually with disdain) by the rest of the world. I think it’s a rather accurate description.

Now I’d never use physical intimidation where it is unwarranted, but the gorilla suit came in awfully handy in this situation.

I bet you Mr. Grey BMW will think thrice before thinking about doing that again.